


A Suicide Note from a Beautiful Blonde

by JaceRMontague



Series: 30k in 30 days [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, a kind of happy ending at least, im sorry, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8455726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaceRMontague/pseuds/JaceRMontague
Summary: Regina finds a letter addressed to herself inside the pocket of Emma's jacket. A suicide note. She rushes to confront the blonde about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking of doing NaNoWrio but with one shots instead of a novel bc im already working on two manuscripts?? What'd you guys think? A post a day for a month? 
> 
> This is darker than my other stories, especially my other one-shots. Mainly because this one is more personal. But regardless, I hope you all like it.

_My dearest, Regina._

_I don’t know how to write this. I haven’t written a letter in years. Never mind one to someone I love. When you get this, I won’t be the one handing it to you. It’ll probably be police. Oh. It’ll probably be my dad._

_Let me start by telling you I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I’m taken aback by how much I love you._

_When I was leaving yours you said goodnight, I love you. And I said Goodbye, I’ll love you always. You didn’t question it. I’m so glad you didn’t. if you did that it would make this so much harder that it is going to be._

_You’re the only person I’m writing to. It’s not that I don’t love the rest of my family. Our family. I do. Make sure Henry knows that. Don’t let him forget that. Please. Don’t let him forget me._

_It’s not because I think you deserve to read this. I know how much reading this hurts. God knows. I’ve read one of my foster brother’s when I was younger. I do not believe that you deserve the pain. However, I think you’re the only one who’ll understand this. You’ve been in the darkness I’m in but you were strong enough to escape it. I’m not. I feel like I’m drowning. It hurts._

_I hate that it’s come to this. I hate that not all my scars are from bad foster homes or work accidents. I hate that I’ve been lying to you about this. I’m sorry._

_This isn’t all I wanted to say but it’s all I can write because if I don’t stop now I never will._

_I’m sorry, Gi._

_I love you._

_I love you so much, Regina. I’ll always love you._

_Yours, in the hope that one day you’ll forgive me for what I’m about to do,_

_Emma._

Regina’s heart lodged itself somewhere in her throat as she watched one of the tears she didn’t realise were falling land on the page she held in shaking hands.

She held the letter tight in her grip and dropped the over-worn red leather jacket she was hanging up in her closet after Emma had left it in her kitchen this morning after rushing out because she was late for her shift.

Regina ran. She ran out of her mansion and across the small town, barely noticing the people who were staring at her. Her lungs were burning and her legs were like jelly when she finally reached the sheriff station. She burst in and saw Emma alone in the station, sitting at her chair, her feet atop her desk, playing a game on her phone with one hand with a bear claw held in the other.

‘Regina?!’ Emma shot up, threw her phone and the pastry down and raced around to her fiancée’s side. ‘Regina, what’s wrong?’ Emma asked as she wrapped her arms around Regina.

Regina pushed Emma away. The blonde stood, utterly stunned and confused, worried about the woman she loved.

‘What is this?!’ Regina shouted.  ‘what the fuck is this?!’ She asked as she thrust the now slightly crumpled piece of paper at the blonde in front of her.

Regina’s hands were trembling that much that the words were nothing more than blurs on a page but Emma knew exactly what it was.  She felt her own heart drop to her stomach and she could feel herself shaking.

‘It’s- ‘She didn’t know what to say. She knew exactly what it was. And it was obvious that Regina knew exactly what it was but she didn’t know how to vocalise it. Not that she needed to because Regina cut her off.

‘You’re going to leave me!’ Regina shouted, tears streaming down her face. She was furious. Furious that Emma was going to leave her. Furious Emma was hurting. Furious at herself for not realising.

‘No!’ Emma argued

‘Why the hell did you write this if you’re not going to leave me?! If you’re not going to fucking kill yourself?!’ Regina yelled.

The brunette’s legs bucked at the weight of the statement she had just shouted across the station.

Emma was going to kill herself. Emma wanted to die.

Emma rushed forwards and caught Regina just millimetres from hitting the ground. She wrapped her arms tightly around the brunette and refused to let go even when Regina lashed out and thrashed against Emma.

Emma held Regina tight against her body until the brunette had stopped fighting, and even then Emma kept Regina held close; needing the comfort of Regina in her arms, needing Regina to know that she was here and was sturdy and was staying.

‘I’m not going to kill myself.’ Emma whispered into Regina’s hair. She could feel Regina sobbing hard into her shoulder. She could hear Regina’s ragged breathing.

Emma could feel herself shaking from the fact she was crying herself. That and the fact that Regina had read the letter.

‘You’re not?’ Regina’s voice was shaking and raw.

‘I’m not.’ Emma confirmed.

‘Then why was the letter in your pocket?’ It sounded accusatory. Not that Regina didn’t have every right to sound accusatory under the circumstances.

Emma loosened her grip on Regina and took a step back so she could look Regina in the eye.

‘I won’t lie to you, Gina.’ Emma took a deep breath as more tears fell quickly. ‘I was going to. A while ago. I was going to kill myself. The night I wrote that I was going to get absolutely blind drunk and drive myself off the harbour.’

Regina wept harder.

‘why?’

‘I was severely depressed. Massively so. I couldn’t see a way out of it. Other than permanent one.’ Emma was sobbing herself by then. She walked to one of the cells and sat on the edge of the bedstead. Regina followed and sat next to Emma, she took the blondes hand in her own and began tracing small circles on the back on Emma’s hand.

‘Why-Why did you- ‘Regina paused and shook her head ‘Why didn’t you- ‘

‘Why didn’t I kill myself?’

Regina could only nod.

‘I sat in my car. And I wrote this letter. And I placed it in my pocket so that the letter wouldn’t be lost. Now looking back, it was a flawed plan. I would be in the water. The letter would be ruined. But I didn’t think of that at the time. I just wanted to die and for you to know that I was sorry. And I had this bottle of moonshine. The kind that could be sold as paint stripper. If I’d finished even half the bottle I would’ve died from alcohol poisoning. But anyways. I took this bottle and as I went to uncap it you rang me. I let it ring out to the voicemail. I was crying, didn’t want you to hear me and come find me like that. I never wanted it to be you to find me – that’s why I was going to go off the harbour. I listened to the voicemail though. You told me I was late from work, and that dinner was I the oven, that you hoped id had a good day at work and that you loved me. That you wanted me home so we could watch a film cuddled up with me. And I threw the bottle out of the car. And I wiped my eyes and drove home because I needed to see you and I needed to hug you and I needed to tell you I love you one more time and on the way home I realised I couldn’t leave you. I love you way too much to leave you. As long as I had you it would be okay. And then I got home, and you were in the kitchen and dinner was on the table and there were candles and fairy lights and henry was at my parents and- ‘

Regina remembered that night crystal clear.

‘And I proposed to you.’

Emma squeezed Regina’s hand.

‘And I realised I had everything to live for as long as I had you. And henry. My little family.’

‘Would you have gone through with it if I didn’t propose?’

‘No. Even if we had spent that night curled up on the sofa eating ice cream as partners I would have stayed around.’

‘But if I hadn’t called you when I had?’

Emma sighed. She shook her head at the thought in her head.

‘Emma.’ Regina prompted softly.

‘If you hadn’t called me when you did – The next time you would have seen me would have been in the morgue.’ Emma admitted. ‘I’m so grateful you rang me when you did.’

‘So am I’ Regina whispered.

‘I’m so sorry’ Emma whispered through her tears.

‘No. no. don’t you apologise for this. I can’t say I didn’t think about suicide myself before henry and yourself acme into my life.’

‘Oh, Gi.’ Emma breathed out.

‘No, it’s okay, I pulled myself out of it when I adopted Hen. I loved him so much. And then you came along and everything got even better. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have you both. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you both.’ Regina turned slightly, placed the letter beside her and used her now free hand to cup Emma’s face. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t know you were bad. That you were depressed or self-harming or suicidal.’ Regina’s tears only fell faster.

‘It’s not your fault. I kept it hidden. I didn’t want you to see how bad It was.’

‘But why?’

‘Because I felt like if I couldn’t be strong for you and our son you wouldn’t want me.’

‘Em. Darling. I’ll always want you. Whether you’re as strong mentally and physically as you’re ever going to be or if you’re sitting up at three in the morning crying because your brain is telling you nothing’s okay. I’ll always want you.’

Emma nodded against Regina’s hand.

‘Are you feeling any better than when you wrote the letter?’ Regina whispered, scared of the answer.

‘Much. I have you and henry and I’ve been working on it, I went to a few therapy sessions and found alternatives to the self-harm and coping mechanisms for the thoughts and depressive episodes. I’m so much better.’

‘That’s good.’

The two sat in silence for a while.

‘Emma?’

‘yes?’

‘Why did you keep the letter?’

‘To remind me where I’d been and that I never want to be there again. I should have destroyed it; I know I should have done.’

Regina slid closer to Emma and hugged her.

The duo remained sitting in the cell for almost an hour, hugging in silence.

Eventually Emma pulled away and stood up. She grabbed the letter and walked to her desk.

Regina, confused and worried stood up and followed the blonde. She watched silently as Emma grabbed a box of matches from her desk drawer, lit one and held it to a corner of the letter. She watched as Emma dropped the letter into the bin beside her desk and the two watched as the letter was reduced into nothing more than a pile of ashes.

Regina stepped closer to Emma, interlaced their hands and pulled gently so that Emma was looking her in the eyes again.

‘I need you to tell me if you feel low again. No matter when. I don’t care whether its day or night or I’m in a meeting. You need to talk to me. If we’re not in the same place, ring me or text me. No matter what. And if you ever, ever feel like you need to hurt yourself or, god forbid, try to kill yourself and I’m not with you, you need to ring me and stay on the phone until I’m with you. Or you rush yourself to the hospital and wait for me.’

‘I will.’

‘Do you promise?’

‘I promise.’

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, all comments, opinions, constructive crisitism and Kudos are appreciated and all mistakes are my own because I still dont have a beta.


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